Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Something to offend everyone
-I ' m not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!
-I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I would never be able to forgive myself.
-Matt Lucas ' s ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village
-A little girl walks into her parents ' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
-Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What ' s wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O ' Riley ?"
Wee boy replies “No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
-Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn ' t starving!!!
-Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it ' s now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
-Turned on my SatNav and it said ' Bear Left ' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
-I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think "I am f**king having that!"
-Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can ' t kid me ya b ' stard, you ' re in that feckin basket!"
-Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It ' s my wife, I ' ve accidentally shot her. I ' ve killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
-I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I would never be able to forgive myself.
-Matt Lucas ' s ex-partner hanged himself. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, he is now the only gay in the village
-A little girl walks into her parents ' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
-Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What ' s wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O ' Riley ?"
Wee boy replies “No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
-Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn ' t starving!!!
-Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it ' s now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
-Turned on my SatNav and it said ' Bear Left ' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
-I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think "I am f**king having that!"
-Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can ' t kid me ya b ' stard, you ' re in that feckin basket!"
-Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It ' s my wife, I ' ve accidentally shot her. I ' ve killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
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